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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  September 13, 2017 11:36pm-12:07am PDT

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conservative senator ted cruz raising eyebrows this morning after liking a hard core porn video on his twitter account. take a look at this screen shot from his @ted cruz twitter account. appears he liked a tweet from an account called sexual posts, includes a two-minute clip that appears to be pornography. >> trevor: yep, of course ted cruz was search for porn by typing "sexual posts." that is the most generic, lame way to search for pornography. what else does he search? uncovered swimsuit areas. reproduction showing the outside parts. ( laughter ) you know what? i bet ted cruz doesn't even watch porn for the sex. he probably just gets excited to see strangers going over to somebody's house. you know is this he probably just gets off hearing the doorbell ring. ding-dong! oh... visitors! oh... my dream. ( laughter ) here's the thing, though, everyone is freaking out about this and calling it a possible
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scandal all because a politician may have watched porn. come on, people. no big deal. everyone watches porn. all right? it's part of being a norm human being which is exactly why we know ted cruz didn't do it. ( laughter ) he didn't do it. he's pretending to like porn as a way to blend in with the rest of the human species. nice try, ted! nice try! ( cheers and applause ) i know what this is! yeah. trying to seem relatable as your first move into the 2020 presidential run. we're not buying it, ted cruz. you don't watch porn. we know you got hacked. we know it, ted. we know. speaking of hacks, let's get to the big story tonight. you've probably been hearing on the news the name equifax a lot lately. i know it sounds like a prescription drug, you know, the kinds with those commercials where a lady can't run in a meadow because she poops too much. you know those commercials. but it's not.
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( laughter ) equifax is actually one of the three big agencies that keep track of people's credit information. so basically, if you want to get a loan, equifax can determine whether you get it or not. they can do this because they know everything about you. they're like an instagram stalker but for credit. like every car you've bought, every bill you paid late. that loan you took out for a japanese masturbation machine, they know all of it. real thing, by the way. that's a real thing. yeah. that's why what happened should make you very afraid. >> a massive security breach revealed today by one of the three big credit reporting bureaus, equifax. >> the hack could go down as among the biggest ever involving nearly half the u.s. population. credit reporting agency equifax says the data breech involved the names, addresses, social security numbers, birth dates and even drivers license information for 143 million people. >> trevor: wow, 143 million
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people at risk. that's like half of the adults in america, you realize that, right? to put that in perspective, let's do this, everyone in the audience look to the person to your right, and now look to the person to your left. while you were doing that, someone opened a credit card in your name. ( laughter ) that's what just happened there. now i know some of you might be thinking, (bleep), well, that sucks for equifax customers, trevor, but i've never even heard of equifax. well, the bad news is they've heard of you because equifax's job is to collect everyone's financial information, everyone, whether you know about it or not, and that's what makes this data theft so dangerous. when hackers get your personal information, they can do just about anything. >> katy had her identity stolen by criminals. >> they went to stores i've never been to and successfully opened 11 to 14 different credit cards. >> hitting nearly every store on this block on a $15,000 shopping
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spree. >> they had all my pedigree information, social security card, drivers license, wife's maiden name, all that stuff. >> hack, drained his bank accounts and children's savings accounts in under 45 minutes. >> we had been working for about a year to save up a lot of cash to pay for our entire wedding, and it was gone. >> yeah, you see that? that's really (bleep). that couple lost their savings, their house and even their faces. ( laughter ) which is really messed up because, now, they won't be able to unlock their iphone 10. siri, please! it's me, siri, it's me! new phone, who dis? come on, siri! come on! ( applause ) come on, siri! ( cheering ) now, if you were responsible for putting half of the american population at risk, at great financial risk, you would be thinking, oh, man, how am i going to make up for this? but if you were equifax, you
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would be thinking, how do we screw the people even more? >> they've established a web site and you can go to the equifax security, type in your last name, the last six digits of your social security number, and it will tell you if you are breeched or not. >> as customers went through that web site that equifax set up, they noticed that buried in the terms of service was language that barred those who enroll in the equifax credit program from filing for any class action lawsuits that may arise from this breech. >> trevor: in exchange for them telling you that they've messed you over, you have to agree to not sue them. it's basically the corporation version of, okay, i'm going to tell you something but you promise you won't get mad. you've got to promise you won't get mad. ( laughter ) after a ton of backlash equifax did reverse the steps, but it's frustrating corporations get away with (bleep) none of us could ever get away with. what grates my balls the most is
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this isn't just any corporation. ( laughter ) that's a real phrase. i made it up, but it's a real phrase now. it's not just any corporation. this is the one corporation whose job it is to keep track of every single time you've messed up. every time. hey, we noticed you missed a student loan payment. now you can't get a mortgage. can you imagine if we tried this the other way around. right? you take a loan from the bank, lose all the money in vegas, then when the bank comes back to you, hey, man, you lost all that money. you're, like, yeah, i know that happened but here's how we're going to fix it -- i'm going to need $10,000 more from you guys. the bank's, like, what? ah, you promised you wouldn't get mad... ( laughter ) equifax is shady and still trying to spin this as a positive. how do we know this? we hacked into their system and discovered this new add that were planning to release. >> here at equifax we know you expect security, privacy and honesty. now, we can't guarantee any of those things, but thanks to the
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recent hack, here's what we can guarantee -- the perfect scapegoat for your (bleep) credit. >> we were out to dinner our first date and my credit card got declined which is the ultimate (bleep) block. but i told the waiter ever since equifax was hacked my credit card doesn't work. >> he's actually dead broke. but at the time i thought it was equifax. >> night saved. equifax, more like equi -- (bleep). right, babe? ( laughter ) >> this equifax thing is amazing, black people had a reputation for having bad credit. now everyone's credit is messed up. >> not to overshare. later that night, i couldn't get an erectionenned i blamed that on equifax, too. thanks, equifax. >> equifax. blame us. we deserve it. >> trevor: we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )
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>> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show"! this past weekend was the miss america pageant. here to give us her thoughts, michelle wolf, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you, trevor! you know, i don't know if you know this about me but i love pageants. i actually canted wanted to get into pageants but i realized getting into miss america is super hard. there's, like, tons of qualifications. look at all those rules. i would never qualify. i broke, like, three of those rules today. ( laughter ) besides, i don't really have
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tiara hair. it would get lost. ( laughter ) i realize it's actually easier to become president than miss america. ( applause ) 'cause, you know -- ( cheers and applause ) because do you know what the qualifications are for president? 35 and born here. that's not qualifications! that's the terms of a sad lady on a profile. my type? also at this point for 35 and born here, or, i don't know, not dead, i'm flexible. >> trevor: wow, i honestly had no idea there were so many qualifications to be miss america. >> oh, no, not to be miss america. that's just how you get into the competition. once you're in the door, you still have to do all this crap. >> miss new jersey! ( cheers and applause )
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♪ ( yodeling ) >> all right. couple of things -- yodeling ventriloquism? wow, us women keep finding more creative ways to die alone. ( laughter ) also, what did you do to my brother? turn him back into a real boy! ( laughter ) you know, i know people think pageants are sexist, and they are, but they also take time at the end of the competition to ask the contestants really hard questions. >> last month a demonstration of neo-nazis, white supremacists and th the k.k.k. in charlottesville, virginia, turned violent and a counterprotester was killed. the president said there was blame of "very fine people on both sides."
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were there? tell me yes or no and explain. >> i think the white supremacist issue was a terrorist attack and i think donald trump should have made a statement earlier addressing the fact and making sure all americans feel safe in this country, that is the number one issue now. >> how crazy is that? it took the president four days and three tries to give a (bleep) answer to that question. and miss texas nailed it in 20 seconds. ( cheers and applause ) this is how little faith america has in its women. they have to be prettier, more talented and smarter than the president just to get the job of waving for a year. she's going to be stuck in a parade, like, glad i solved that nazi problem. ( laughter ) they won't even let me drive. ( laughter ) like, i realized if he was in that competition, president trump would have finished behind last.
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>> 195 countries signed the paris agreement in which each country sets non-binding goals to reduce manmade climate change. the u.s. is withdrawing from the agreement. good decision? bad decision? which is it and why? >> yeah, i mean, something could happen representative to the paris accord, we'll see what happens, but we will talk about that over the coming period of time, and if it happens, that will be wonderful, and if it doesn't, that will be okay, too. but we'll see what happens. but we did discuss -- ( buzzer ) >> i do believe it's a bad decision. ( applause ) thank you. once we reject that we take ourselves out of the negotiation table and that's something we really need to keep in mind. there is evidence climate change is existing so whether you believe it or not we need to be at that table and i think it's a bad decision on the behalf to have the united states. thank you. ( ding ) >> trevor: wow!
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wow! ( applause ) she seems so much more prepared than donald trump. >> well, yeah, of course! she knows if she wins this contest, she will be representing america to the world. that's a big responsibility. ( laughter ) and she's not some unique genius. all the contestants are like that. >> there are multiple investigations into whether trump's campaign colluded with russia on the election. well, did they? >> now, tomorrow you will say donald trump wants to get along with russia, this is terrible. it's not terrible. it's good. we had hillary clinton trying to do a reset. we had hillary clinton give russia 20% of the uranium in our country. you know what uranium, is right? this thing called nuclear weapons and other things -- ( buzzer ) >> -- like lots of things are done with uranium including bad things. >> right now i would have to say innocent because not enough
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information has been revealed. we are still investigating this and i think we should investigate it to its fullest extent, and if we find the evidence they have had collusion with russia, then the justice system should do due diligence and they should be punished accordingly. ( ding ) ( cheers and applause ) >> don't clap too much. she didn't win. ( laughter ) i just figured something out. remember how donald trump said he used to sneak into pageant dressing rooms? maybe he wasn't being creepy. maybe he just needed answers. ( laughter ) "i know you're changing, but they're quizzing me on uranium and all i've got is it's not good and other things." ( laughter ) here's my suggestion, let's switch the president for anyone with miss america. i would even take the weird ventriloquist lady as president because right now all we have is the dummy. ( laughter ) >> trevor: michelle wolf, everybody.
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the x1 voice remote. xfinity. the future of awesome. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is an olympic silver medalist, a five-time grand slam champ one and the author of the new "unstoppable"" please welcome tennis player maria sharapova ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> thank you. thank you so much. >> trevor: welcome to the show. >> thank you. i'm a huge fan. >> trevor: i appreciate it. thank you very much. you are still in new york after the u.s. open. >> yes. >> trevor: as someone who plays in such a huge tournament, i always wanted to know, when the tournament is done, do you just stop watching or do you just hate watch the rest of it? >> i did not watch much after and usually you get on the next flight home, i didn't because i had the press tour for the book, but that's usually the feeling
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you have, pack your bags, it's done, finished, go home. isn't that sad? ( laughter ) it really is. >> trevor: it is sad. >> all this preparation and you just never know when you're going to have to pack your back,er win or lose. >> trevor: you dill still get paid though, right? >> you do but you get paid better the more you win. >> trevor: that sucks. >> there is something to play for, so that's okay. >> trevor: a lot to play for. it comes across in the book. let's talk about the why of the book first. you're a young person. >> yes. >> trevor: why write the book now? what inspired you to get into your story "my life so far"? >> as someone in my early 20s i never thought i would write a memoir at this age. when journalists would ask me about my story, and i started talking about my father coming to america, 6 and a half-year-old girl, arriving in a miami airport with only $700, i would get more questions like no one believed my story.
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i thought there was a lot of death and inspiration in it and i wanted to put it on paper. >> trevor: when you talk about your journey, traveling throughout the united states, you talk about going to tennis cad mis, i didn't know about it, seems like a close knit community where you were playing with anna kournikova and meeting all these tennis people who have become likely rivals and also competitors in the game. >> exactly. >> trevor: when you were playing together did you know that's where you were going to end up? >> it's where i wanted to end up. i think we all have dreams, visions and goals. my parents did as well. when you're young, it's like you're almost ultimately living your parents' dream. you love what you do. i was excited to be in this new culture, this new language, nobody shuts up, having a good time, playing, have a racket and a ball, we're so lilt we don't even know what we're doing, but we have this vision, we see on the television these matches, classic rivalries, and we want to be there and ultimately whether you get there is the question. i think in this book, there are so many paths we could have
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taken and the reason the book scald "unstoppable" is within this journey there are so many road blocks and so many people who said no, i wasn't good enough, and she'll never win the french open, she's not strong enough, and that was the mentality i really started at a very young age. >> trevor: if you could go back and give yourself any advice or say anything to that little maria playing tennis, what would you tell her? >> i think always continue playing like you only have $700, and to always have this dream and to always feel like maybe you don't have it right now because traveling around the world and you know every single tournament where you're going to be, i have been there, i have been fortunate to win incredible events and career grand slam, but in order to win it again, you have to feel like maybe you haven't done it yet, to have that hunger and motivation, to find something that drives you. >> you speak in the book about one of the most devastating moments your career and that was when you had what many people called the doping scandal.
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>> right. >> trevor: you speak about using medication that was never banned for i think it was ten years. >> ten years. >> trevor: and one day a list comes out, the substance is banned, you go through the process, tell me how that happened from your point of view. >> yeah, i speak about it very openly in the book because it was, i mean, an incredibly tough journey that i had for those 15 months and so many incertainties, so many unknowns, when i got the email that i had failed that test, it was, like, shock, disbelief, what is it. had i known what the name was when i found out, i was, like, this was a mistake, i was taking it a long time, completely legal. then efound out it was not legal. in that position, there are so many people to blame and it starts with yourself. >> trevor: right. >> but i don't think it would have gotten me anywhere. i came out in front of it and told the world what happened. i think with that mentality, i went through and kept training. i knew i would be back on the court, i didn't know when.
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when i found out it was april this year, it was so exciting, and being back in my first grand slam in 18 months was special. >> trevor: thanks for joining us. "unstoppable" on sale now. fascinating story. maria sharapova, everybody. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ( ♪ ) ( ♪ )
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